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STUPID EARTHLING PIGS

March 12, 2019

The giant space cruiser enters the orbit of Tumock.  Agent Kirk, a member of the Earth Law Enforcement Agency, looks out the window from his seat and down on the neon-colored planet.  Kirk is a hot-headed, immature, Arnold Schwarzenegger looking dude. Many question how he got his job cause he doesn’t even know how he got it.   The seas of yellow, pink, and green almost make it look like something from an acid trip. Kirk gets up and stretches after his long trip and grabs his duffle bag as he is planning on staying a few days.  The space cruiser docks into the station orbiting the planet. Kirk walks from the ship and into the main hall which is full of all kinds of different alien people walking from one destination to the other.

“No different than the airports at home.” Kirk whispered to himself as he puts his language translator earpieces in.  

As he walks towards the area where shuttles are taking people down to the surface of Tumock a chase breaks out between a suspected earthling space pirate and armed guards.  The guards tackle the suspect and begin to restrain him while a young Tumockian runs up with his phone recording the scuffle and yelling “I see harassment!” Space Pirates are a big problem between the planets, one of the big reasons for the rising tension between the two.

Just then Kirk gets a tap on his shoulder, he turns around to see Ambassador Xander.  Xander handles relations between earth and Tumock. He is a green humanoid alien with yellow hair and pink eyes and is wearing a purple suit.  A very professional and educated man, he is the brain for Kirk’s brawn.

“Agent Kirk, it’s nice to see you again.” said Xander as he shakes Kirk’s hand.

“I know, it’s been a while Xander.”

“Here this way to my shuttle.”

Kirk and Xander make their way to the shuttle.  They sit down and begin to enjoy the ride down to the planets capital city.  

“Did you have a nice trip?” asked Xander.

“Eh it was okay, flying at hyper speed gives me butterflies in my stomach.”

“Oh I understand.  Well my friend I wish you were coming to visit us on better circumstances.”  

“You and me both, everyone on earth is scared shitless that there is going to be an intergalactic war.”

“Same here, but it is up to us to diffuse this situation.”

“No pressure.” chuckled Kirk.

“None at all.” smiled Xander.

“You have to understand where we’re coming from on this however, we have enough problems on earth without other, um, people coming in and causing more.”

“Well maybe if you earthlings weren’t so unwelcoming to anybody who looks different we wouldn’t have had this problem.”

“You earthlings, the hells that supposed to mean Xander?”

“Well just saying that there is a reason a lot of other planets tend to not care for earthlings, or earth in general.”

“Listen, yes a few planets have legitimate reasons to dislike us but the reason most planets don’t like us including yours, is because they wish they were us.”

“Stupid earthling pigs is what they call you guys here.”

“Oh you know what Xander?  That is so hypocritical of you guys, don’t be calling us those kinds of things but then get mad when we do the same thing.”  

“You’re right, you’re right, I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.”

The pilot of the shuttle announces that they are beginning their descent.  Kirk decides to look out the window and admire the landscape of the planet rather than continue arguing.  The shuttle flies over a wide open valley filled with craters in the pink dirt with areas covered in yellow plants.  All set against a green sky, it makes perfect sense that the Tumockian people are the color they are, they had to blend in to hide from predators.  There are massive creatures that look like something out of a Godzilla movie roaming this planet. They are something nobody would want to mess with.  You can see giant dragon-like creatures flying through the skies while the shuttle descends. The shuttle eventually makes to the beautiful capital city.  A sprawling Metropolis filled with flying cars and mile-high white skyscrapers. The shuttle lands at the capitol with government officials waiting to greet Kirk.  Kirk and Xander stand and get ready to exit the craft.

“Now Kirk I know how you are and I want to warn you right now, the senator that you are meeting with has a name that has a quite funny meaning on earth.” warned Xander.

“What you mean?”

“Just act mature and keep a straight face when she introduces herself.”

“Just tell me her name.”

“No, because if I do you’ll be thinking about it the whole walk there and probably embarrass me.”

“Fine.” sighed Kirk.

Xander and Kirk greet the officials and begin to walk to the senator's office down the long extravagant hall of the capitol building.  Xander opens the door to the senator's office and lets Kirk in. The senator stands up from her desk.

“Welcome to Tumock Agent Kirk, I am senator Douchus Baggus.”

“Nice to meet you” said Kirk while trying everything in his power to hold back bursting into laughter.  

Xander and Kirk sit down.  Xander begins talking while Kirk thinks in his head, “Get a grip Kirk, the fate of your planet is in your hands, it’s not that funny.  You’re not twelve years old anymore!”

“How do you feel about the situation Agent Kirk?” asked Senator Baggus.

Kirk’s face looks like it is about to explode, he’s sweating, he has a little vein popping out on the side of his head.  He opens his mouth, whatever he says next could cause an intergalactic war. He takes a deep breath and breaks down laughing to the point that his stomach hurts.  

“Stupid earthling pigs.” whispered Senator Baggus to herself as she shook her head.

 

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